Dear Moneyist,
My home is finally selling after a divorce some years ago. I will clear just enough profit to potentially make a down payment to purchase another house — some small fixer upper to secure my future housing needs. I have a smaller, but consistent work income.
My current significant other of two years, a genuinely sweet and kind person, owns his own home. We have discussed our future, and he wants me to move into his house now that my home has sold.
He (understandably) wants to retain solo ownership of his home after we marry, to ensure that, if anything were to happen to him, his house would go to his children to be sold and money disbursed to them equally.
He also feels it would be fair if I should pay half of the mortgage as rent after moving in. I would feel more secure if I purchased a home while still living with and marrying him — prior divorce and our ages breed some caution — but he is resistant to that, stating that it doesn’t bode well for our future if I am keeping an escape home should things not go well.
‘I could potentially have made years of rental payments helping to pay off his mortgage, and then be left with no home or security for myself.’
He is also concerned that the bulk of my money would not go to helping lower “our” monthly housing expenses. I can see his side: Living together is nice when it also lowers monthly expenses, but the scenario he suggests makes me feel anxious.
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Yes, I can pay him rent now, but how does my future look? If he should die first, I could potentially have made years of “rental payments” helping to pay off his mortgage, and then be left with no home or security for myself, or the ability to leave anything for my own children.
This doesn’t feel right. He does not want to sell his home and buy one together, because he loves his home and it is more than halfway paid off. He doesn’t want to start over. He is very much looking forward to us living together in one home.
We spend most of our time together and love and enjoy each other immensely. Unfortunately, my options look like either buying and moving into my own home — losing an otherwise brilliant and loving relationship — or marrying and moving in with him, paying rent forever and always living in his home, not ours or mine, and having no part of my contribution available for my children.
Is it my imagination — or does this later scenario leave me with no power? (And yes, I suppose I do rather feel that in his version, he gets everything his way.) What is a fair and equal way for middle-aged second timers to navigate housing and a secure future?
P.S. I have suggested that in the alternative, I could put the amount of money equaling half his monthly mortgage into a savings account for our future mutual retirement use (or potential house purchase if necessary) but I believe he would appreciate some relief on the current mortgage payment now.
Second-Timer in Oregon
Dear Second-Timer,
Thank you for writing before the event. This allows me to cheer you on as I read the letter. I agree with you 100%. You have given your boyfriend several reasonable alternatives, including setting up a bank account where you both invest in your relationship as a couple. It seems he is more interested in paying off his mortgage and cutting his expenses than building a future where you are both financially secure.
You should absolutely make sure you have a stake in this future and a roof over your head. You write that you would be losing an otherwise brilliant and loving relationship. But I suggest you think of it another way. You have given him several concrete actions you can both take as a compromise. It is he who would be throwing away a brilliant and loving relationship due to his own intractability. You can’t lose what you don’t have.
Also see: Married men earn more than everyone else (including single men)
If you decide to buy your own home, you will be part of a growing trend. Single women account for 18% of home buyers compared to 7% of single men (and 65% of married couples), according to the National Association of Realtors. The irony, which may not be lost on you: If your prospective husband was ready to take a leap of faith and commit financially to a life together, you could both cut your expenses by buying a home together.
Bottom line: If he is unwilling to meet you halfway and unable to see that your financial future is as important as his, he is not as brilliant and loving as you believe him to be. There is no future in a relationship where one person holds all the economic power and, through his own willfulness, stands in the way of his partner’s financial empowerment. If he wants a tenant, he can find one in the local paper. You don’t have to sign up to that.
Also see: Is this the worst tipper in America?
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